The Inevitability of Pain and What We Choose to do With It
Hey y’all, I’m back. Today I kinda just want to ramble. I’ve been trying to be more introspective recently and look inward to figure out what’s the dealio with my emotions. I recently re-read The Four Agreements and it was a great reminder of the lies that we tell ourselves and what we choose to believe in this world. So, let’s talk about it.
Limiting Beliefs and Our Chosen Truth
It’s so easy to spiral down one frame of thinking or to believe what everyone else tells you because it’s what’s accepted. Negativity is a binding factor for so many relationships, including the relationship we have with ourselves. It’s wild to think about all of the limiting beliefs I’ve chosen to accept. So many people have told me time and time again that it’s not normal to be happy all the time; that my expectations for happiness and what I choose to see in the world are unrealistic. This, I understand, is a normal belief to hold. We’re all wired to crave pain, to commiserate with one another. It bonds us and makes us closer while fueling our inner dialogue and confirming our own biased beliefs. It’s much easier to accept that life is shit and everything around us is terrible than to take accountability for our reactions toward that which we can’t control.
Ultimately, this all stems from insecurity. Half the lies we tell ourselves are about ourselves; what we choose to believe about ourselves shapes the lens through which we view those around us. We form judgments around ourselves, programming our idea of perfection, and hold others against these same unrealistic expectations. If I can’t love myself fully, I’ll never love someone else fully, and will never experience true full love from someone else. The only way to see ourselves and the world around us is to remove the cloud of negative beliefs we’ve allowed to govern our lives and actively decide to develop a positive perspective.
Gossip follows insecurity. It’s easy to fall into gossip because it makes us feel good. Seeing others feel bad makes us feel better about ourselves. The more we use our word to spread negativity and hatred toward others, the more we’re turning the knife toward ourselves. We speak hatefully toward others because we can’t find love for ourselves. We allow the messaging and programming we received as children to shape us. We internalize mistreatments and decide that it’s ultimately what we deserve(d). At some point, we all have to accept that everyone is human. Our parents may have made mistakes in raising us, but they were just doing their best with the hands they were dealt. If we can’t accept that with love and understanding, we will never be able to fully accept ourselves. When we can recognize, accept, and appreciate all parts of ourselves, we can begin to do the same for others. Not to make them feel better, not because they necessarily deserve it, but because we love ourselves enough to let go of that pain and move forward with love.
“The limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else”
Don Miguel Ruiz — The Four Agreements
Once we can cultivate that sense of love and acceptance, shit gets way easier. We can develop our truth and when others try to spit their poisonous internal dialogue onto us, it won’t phase us. We can understand that their hate stems from a deeper place rooted in self-hatred. If they loved every part of themselves, they wouldn’t feel the need to spread hate to you. It’s so easy to be addicted to pain and suffering, to fall into old patterns. If I’m someone who believes I deserve pain and suffering, I will continually find relationships in which I am abused.
Building Trust, Communicating, and Doing Our Best
We must put our trust in ourselves before choosing to trust others. Everyone in this world is just here to look out for themselves with their best interest in mind and their personal motives. Without accountability for our own emotions, we put our lives into the hands of others. Without a solid grasp on the value we bring and what we want in this life, we’ll feel lost and gravitate toward beliefs driven by other people’s motives, which may not be in our own best interest.
When we know our value and what we want, we can communicate it to those around us. We should also be receptive to other people as they communicate their truth. Everyone’s truth is different and we should never try to change someone else’s. It’s incredibly valuable to know who you are and what you value in this life, but to force those beliefs on someone else isn’t right. If you enter friendships or partnerships wishing to change those around you, things will never work out. The same is true if others want to change you. People are only capable of change that they wish to make themselves. Communicating our desires will lead to fewer misunderstandings and allow us to avoid living in a fantasy built on our illusions.
When we know our value, take accountability for our actions, and communicate clearly with others, we can live every day knowing we’re doing our best. Emotions fluctuate day by day and understanding that we’ve put our best foot forward in all that we do can allow that inner critic to melt away. Having ideas is easy, but taking risks and sharing your dream with the world without shame or fear is far more gratifying. Many people turn to gods, prophets, or priests for a sense of guidance toward spiritual growth. If this makes you happy, I’m all for it. But the moment we perform tasks simply out of obligation is when we miss the point. When we meditate, shower, feed ourselves, and exercise, these activities should be acts of self-love. They should be done with care, not out of obligation. In the same way one would go to church and worship God, one should also worship themselves. If we can recognize and appreciate that sense of god within ourselves, we will be our best selves in all that we do. Doing our best will become second nature in all that we do and will shape the way we share our love with ourselves and the world around us.
Removing Shame from Love
I want to be less afraid to tell people when I love them. I find that I repress my authentic emotions, which are ultimately rooted in love, due to a fear of rejection or judgment. The more I can come to accept who I am and how I love others, the less it will matter what they think of me. If I am fully secure in myself and I know that my actions stem from a place of love and care, why should it matter if someone doesn’t feel the same? My actions aren’t performed to receive something in return, so why should I care about what I receive? If the feelings we share are authentic and rooted in love, why hide them in shame and mask their beauty?
Conclusion
We can choose to determine the truth that we allow to govern our lives. Do we want to live in pain and suffering or free ourselves with the power of love? Suffering is addictive and feeds our inner judge and victim. We know these feelings well; we may even find comfort in them. But is that what we truly want? Pain and suffering are inevitable but it is our choice if we want to sulk in the misery of our emotions. We may not be able to control our circumstances, but we have complete control over our reactions to our emotions, we can choose our perspective. How do you choose to see the world?
